This article is part of the series “How To Win /friends and Influence /guildies”. See the introduction for more.
If you’re reading the original book alongside, this corresponds to Part 2, Chapter 1: “Do this and You’ll be Welcome Anywhere”
You can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in other people than you can in two years of trying to get other people interested in you.[1]
The principle of this chapter is that if you are genuinely interested in people and they know that, they will reciprocate in your personal and business dealings. Among others, Carnegie relates a story of US President Theodore Rosevelt, who greeted each of the white house staff by name when he returned for a visit two years into his successor’s term. The head usher reportedly said “It is the only happy day we had in nearly two years…”
So how to apply this to guild relations? Not directly, at least not in the same way as is described in this chapter. Not everyone plays WoW to form real-life friendships. Some people may take their relationships in-game into the real world, while others may know only basic facts like real first name and occupation. Yet the way we interact still follows basic societal norms. I don’t think many of us have a completely different way of looking at interpersonal relationships that we use in-game but not in real life.
If you appreciate people being friendly in real life, you will probably appreciate them doing so in game. If you dislike people who screw over the little guy, someone who does so in game will get to you there as well. So we can apply the principles in this chapter to in-game relationships with ease – we just need to respect whatever boundaries someone may have about becoming interested in their personal life.
Don’t Be Creepy
Let’s take an example from the chapter. While conducting an research interview with the president of a company, a man finds out that the president’s son collects stamps. The interview doesn’t go well, but the businessman remembers that his company takes in letters from all over the world. He gets a bunch of stamps from the receiving office and calls back the next day, whereupon he is ushered in and gets the information he was looking for.
Taking a genuine interest in someone’s personal life to gain a business advantage isn’t a bad idea – in business. Taking an interest in a the real-life activities of a guild member’s child could come off as very creepy.
Some people play WoW to escape from real life. When they’re in game, they control how much of life bleeds over. If they casually mention something about real life, that isn’t necessarily an invitation for you to bring up the subject at some point in the future. By doing so, you’re taking control of that line, and it could easily backfire.
Of course, if someone talks about real life and solicits opinion from guild members, that’s an entirely different situation. I’ve known several guild members to go through real life tragedy where a loved one was sick or passed away, and I think it helps for someone to hear that their online family is concerned for their well-being.
Keep It In-Game
So where is the safe ground? Simple – be genuinely interested in what people do in game.
While everyone in a guild shares some common goal, we all have little side projects that we work on. Some of these (like What a Long, Strange Trip It’s Been or The Loremaster) can take months or years to complete. These aren’t the “because it’s there” achievements – if you’re putting serious effort into them, it’s important to you. If you know that someone is working on them, ask from time to time how their progress is going.
A lot of people do PvP. I never have, save for a few battlegrounds in my 30s on my first character (long enough to be branded a Master Sergeant under the original honour system). I’ve never done arena, and the few times I’ve entered battlegrounds has been strictly for something that has PvE benefit. I just don’t get enjoyment out of that aspect of the game. Because I dislike PvP, I don’t really care what others get up to in it.
At times, I’ve been downright hostile to those who let their PvP interfere with organized PvE events. As a healer, I remember the days of the “PvP virus” and never understood why someone couldn’t just wrap up 6 minutes before we started raid invites to ensure that their flag had dropped.
But my guild members who PvP obviously find value in that activity, or they wouldn’t do it. Just because I don’t care for it doesn’t mean that I can’t be aware of their goals, and ask them how they’re doing. Is someone gunning for a particular rating in arena, or to finish in one of the upper brackets to get a title or even the 310% mount? It doesn’t weaken me to ask “hey, how’s the rating race going?”. Sure, I could find out on the armory if I wanted, but that doesn’t have the same effect.
Compare the previous question to “hey, I notice your rating is 1950 this week – you think you’re going to get the mount by end of season?”. The former encourages them to talk about something that interests them, even if the topic isn’t interesting to me personally. The latter prompts little more than a “yes” or “no” answer. Which do you think is going to leave the person with a sense of “they’re interested in me”?




